Los Angeles, CA – The undead will be high-fiving at their brain barbeques this weekend knowing that a Lite version of their favorite iPad app will be available to the shambling hordes for free. Brain Eater’s Bible – Lite was unveiled in the iTunes App Store June 30th, giving zombie insurgents wider access to the multi-media field manual that has been so critical to their revolution. In addition, the full version of the app will be reduced in price to $4.99 until July 10th.

“Freedom for zombies isn’t free,” says J.D. McGhoul, the app’s undead author, “but this free edition does democratize important information.” He goes on to explain that, “Brain Eater’s Bible – Lite will at least guide the infected through the early stages of reanimation and help them understand why they crave human brains.”

McGhoul still stresses the educational power of the full-length app, which has garnered rave reviews in the horror blogosphere. “Brain Eater’s Bible for the iPad is the ultimate zombie resource,” he says, “Getting by in the apocalypse is one thing, but if you want to be a bona fide manhunter and win this war, you have to be committed.” And for McGhoul, commitment means immersing yourself in the hundreds of interactive photos, videos, diagrams and anatomical drawings that the full version offers – the zombie lessons contained in the app are many and deep.

News of the free Lite version of The Brain Eater’s Bible represents an important milestone in the zombie struggle for independence. For the uninfected, however, it is a sober reminder that Americans still have an apocalyptic fight ahead of them for life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

For those of you who don’t already know, May has been dubbed “Zombie Appreciation Month” by an organization called “The Zombie Rights Campaign.”  While I applaud any zombie who stands up and fights against our mass extermination, this political dialogue is not the answer to our problems.  We’ve already learned from the civil rights movement that human understanding grows at a glacial pace, and as a zombie, I’m too pissed off to be asking the uninfected for their appreciation.  If you want to negotiate with them, do it by bringing their civilization to its knees; you’re bound to get better terms that way.  And has the ZRC forgotten that freshies are what we eat?  If a person wants bacon, they don’t waste time trying to first win the approval of the pig.

It’s hard to denounce a group like the ZRC because their intentions are good.  I just hope we don’t lose too many undead brothers and sisters in the pointless pursuit of kinship with our natural born enemies.

Dr. Lecter Picks Ray Liotta’s Brain in “Hannibal”

What zombie doesn’t feel a tickle in his gizzard when he sees a picture like this?  Brains are the best eating when they are fresh, and no brain could be fresher than one that still sits in the head of a live human being. And with the whole top of the skull removed?  I mean, come on.  Don’t you just want to bury your face in it?  Of course, I was shattered when I found out that this cinematic little scene would not be possible in real life.  Dr. K, my brain surgeon friend, tells me that you have to go in through one side of the skull or the other when operating on a live brain; you can’t take off the entire top.  I didn’t fully understand his explanation, but he said it has something to do with the superior sagittal sinus, a massive vein that runs along the top of the brain from front to back.  Apparently, pulling the whole skull cap off causes fatal complications.  I didn’t let that information ruin my day, though.  This image still serves the important purpose of inspiring me to dream big.

The condition of healthcare in the United States has been abysmal for decades now compared to the rest of the developed world.  Democrats eked through some cheap, half-measure legislation to try to get the ball rolling, but Republicans are fighting to repeal that as we speak.  It looks now like Medicare and Medicaid will both be cut as part of the new budget, and all the while, insurance companies continue to gouge the eyes out of the American public.  People don’t know which way is up when it comes to taking care of themselves.  So what should you do?  Quit being a pansy and become part of the problem.  Get infected with the PACE virus and get busy destroying the world.  As a brain-eating zombie bad-ass, you’ll be back in control of your life.  You’ll be done playing games of “catch up” with your doctor bills and the insurance bureaucracy; in fact, you’ll be on the offensive, chasing around the very A-holes who were making you miserable in the first place.  How does immortality sound?  You want to be almost completely immune to pain, injury and disease?  Stop letting yourself get pissed on by The Man and join the zombie revolution.

#5 – Willem DaFoe

I almost hate to out Willem because he’s done so much amazing work on the screen, but a hypocrite is a hypocrite.  According to my sources, he was killed and reanimated while working on the set of Platoon and has been trading on his ghoulish charisma in show business ever since.

#4 – Joan Rivers

Not even a beginning embalmer could make a face look this unnatural.  And her raspy voice is a dead giveaway that she is, well… dead.

#3 – Abe Vigoda

In public polls every year since the early 1990s, people have overwhelmingly picked Abe Vigoda to be “deceased of natural causes.”  Zombies do fall apart over time, but they don’t age per se, so is it any surprise that this guy looks exactly the same as he did in The Godfather forty years ago?

#2 – George Lopez

Another raspy voice.  Hmmm…  George’s complexion is definitely zombie flesh covered with cheap, drugstore foundation, and those eyes – how do people not see him for the corpse that he is?

#1 – Gary Busey

I’ll tell you what, if Gary Busey doesn’t eat brains, he really should.  He’s got the aggressive teeth for it and a thousand-yard stare that only a zombie could love.