Top 5 Celebrities Who Are Closeted Zombies

Nothing is more despicable among zombies than a “freshie wanna-be.”  These clowns know damn well they’re dead, but they keep on dressing their faces with makeup and mortician’s wax so they can walk among the living.  Being a zombie myself, I’ve got impeccable “z-dar” and can spot these pretenders with tremendous accuracy.  Here are some of the most famous people currently hiding their undead status:

 

#5 – Willem DaFoe

I almost hate to out Willem because he’s done so much amazing work on the screen, but a hypocrite is a hypocrite.  According to my sources, he was killed and reanimated while working on the set of Platoon and has been trading on his ghoulish charisma in show business ever since.

 

 

#4 – Joan Rivers

Not even a beginning embalmer could make a face look this unnatural.  And her raspy voice is a dead giveaway that she is, well… dead.

 

 

 

#3 – Abe Vigoda

In public polls every year since the early 1990s, people have overwhelmingly picked Abe Vigoda to be “deceased of natural causes.”  Zombies do fall apart over time, but they don’t age per se, so is it any surprise that this guy looks exactly the same as he did in The Godfather forty years ago?

 

 

#2 – George Lopez

Another raspy voice.  Hmmm…  George’s complexion is definitely zombie flesh covered with cheap, drugstore foundation, and those eyes – how do people not see him for the corpse that he is?

 

 

 

#1 – Gary Busey

I’ll tell you what, if Gary Busey doesn’t eat brains, he really should.  He’s got the aggressive teeth for it and a thousand-yard stare that only a zombie could love.